More on feeling Disconnected

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Earth Bubble –connections continued

As indicated in the previous posting I have identified that I do not feel connected to the earth and prefer the peace and love available to me within my fantasy worlds. Even my creative writing is an extension of this, and reading, and my love of film and music – all ways of opting out of the real world.

Continuing with the previous meditation focus I tried to discover what was my heart’s desire – what was I holding onto or running away from? I tried out various possibilities from within the safety of my earth bubble. Nothing seemed to be correct – was I wishing for magic, or to be a healer/writer, or was I desperate for a lover – all these are things I would like to have/be/do. Was it my fear of death – well maybe but it actually was more simple than that. One issue had me in tears even as I meditated – that of abandonment – my feelings of invisibility are linked to the deaths of my father, my grandmother, my mother, combined with my children making their own lives and my unhappy marriage that ended between 1998-2002. All of which have left me alone and having to be strong with no one to care for me – not that I am weak or need someone to pander to me – just to care and be there, when I need them.

So my issues are about abandonment – who would have guessed – poor Lost Girl.

Continuing with my meditation, I considered who cares for me and I know the children and grandchildren do but they have their own lives, they see me on the peripheral of their lives now. My friends also care but also have their own lives and are often unavailable when I need someone; too busy with their own problems to deal with mine whether practical or emotional.

So I drift ever closer to that fantasy world where I am needed, loved, cherished and able to be vulnerable … I really wouldn’t mind disappearing there in time.  There I was found … forever!

abandonment

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